Monday, 24 December 2012

Tunnel Vision

I have this habit. I have MANY habits- good, bad & indifferent. But this particular habit is my tendency to skip over the process of things, trying to reach an end goal faster.

For example, I never took guitar, sewing or art lessons... but I play guitar, sew & love to create. I'm mediocre at these things but probably wont ever get much better than I am right now because I don't want to take the time to learn, I just want to be able to be good right away!

How does this relate to Bipolar? WELL this blog, for one thing, is a perfect example of my habit. It's only recently that I've even recognized/been aware of my symptoms & even more recently been diagnosed with Bipolar. Because I'm so accustomed to skipping over the hard/time consuming parts, the whole process of medication and life changes and therapy = terribly difficult! I counter the stone cold fact that for the rest of my life I will have to work through this disorder, by attempting to skip through all the nitty gritty. I want to immediately be in a place where I can be comfortable and stable enough to turn my struggles into a way to help other people like myself -- kind of ironic when you think of it, how can I use my struggles for good, if I'm so set on avoiding them in the first place?

"There is light -- even if it"s just a tiny bit seeping into the tunnel -- and you've got to grasp it" 
-Andy Behrman (writer & mental health advocate)

I snagged this quotation (not *quote* because my english teacher Mr. Edwards so diligently pointed out that "to quote" is a verb!) from a great post on Rebuild Life Now. Click link to see the full article!

All I can see, all I can focus on is the "end" of the tunnel. The glorified and much desired end to my disorder, the day I wake up and feel great for the rest of my life. Unfortunately though, if I keep my focus on the imaginary light at the end of this so-called tunnel, I'll miss the life and light along the way, clouded by my tunnel vision of aversion to "the process". 

So I'm working on it. And I'll be working on it forever. I'm also working on that previous fact being "ok" and not so wildly overwhelming. 

Seeing as it's after midnight, I suppose Merry Christmas is in order! 

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