I've been reading through my first few blog posts and as I do with everything, have been mercifully picking them apart to the point of finding more wrong with them than right.
I keep reminding myself that I am not writing to be "right" or well versed or even overly interesting. I'm writing as a way to chronicle my thoughts, for myself, and for others who either suffer from or are somehow affected by mental illness.
Meanwhile, one of my brains, which can be described as nothing other than menacing, is wreaking havoc on the above rationality; spilling thoughts of negativity and doubt into my head. My writing is too "cliche" with too many rainbows/butterflies and unicorns. My writing is all over the place. Why can't I just find a constant 'voice' for what I have to say. Does what I have to say even matter? Am I witty enough? What if people I know read this... will they think I'm a whack job?
ANSWER SESSION FROM LOGICAL BRAIN:
Yes, sometimes my writing leans toward freakin rainbows, but when my life feels like its under a constant storm warning, a mass amount of optimism is what gets me through.
Of course my writing is all over the place, my life is all over the place. I don't have a 'voice' because my entire world just got flipped on it's ass and I have no clue where my illness ends and where I begin.
Everything everyone does/says in life matters. If it didn't, that would dismiss the whole "for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction" theory thing (elementary school science reference?)
With regards to wit? Sometimes I can't be witty, 'cause sometimes, life royally sucks. And thats ok.
Yes, some of them probably will. But my mom thinks I'm awesome haha, so anybody who can't see past my illness isn't worth my time. (although this won't make feeling judged much easier!)
RETURN OF BAD BRAIN...
If I'm not worried about other peoples judgement, why haven't I posted my blog link on twitter or Facebook or told many people about it? I'm a hypocrite blogging about raising awareness, when I won't even act on it personally.
Hmm... Even good brain has no comeback for that one. Whoops, guess I better work on that one.
New years resolution?
Those never work.
When I become more adjusted and accepting of my disorder, I will take the plunge and share this blog with everyone I can. I'm just not ready yet. And thats ok.
ps. I can sense a blog post titled "And That's OK" coming in the near future. It's kinda become my mantra!